Note: This story was inspired by the movie "Mallrats" so I'd like to thank Kevin Smith for inspiring me. Also, special thanks to my sister, Lelia. Without her this story would never have come to fruit in my mind and probably would never have been written. That goes for a lot of my past writing actually. So Lelia, this one's for you.

Scott Summers walked through the automatic doors and took a deep breath of the canned air he knew so well. "Oh yeah," he muttered as he looked around, "This is definitely our mall. I've missed it the past couple of months." He looked around at the colorful and corny Christmas decorations with an almost childlike delight. He remembered all of the times that Hank, Warren, Bobby and he had come here and hung out, cruising around for chicks or going to the arcade to play video games until they ran out of quarters. Even the seventy-ish décor of the place was the same as it had been when they had all been youths. Oh yes, this place brought back scads of good memories. He was glad he had come up with the idea of going group Christmas shopping here. It had given him a reason to come and, hopefully, separate from his wife for a while so he could hang out with the guys. They hadn't been able to do that too much lately.

Jean shook her head where she stood at his side and started to look around for her favorite cookie cart, "I never did quite understand why all of you guys loved this place so much. It's just a mall. The one on the other side of town has better boutiques. It's not like this mall is anything special."

Hank McCoy suddenly seemed to pop out of nowhere, his image inducer firmly in place, "WHAT??? Just a mall??? Nothing special?!? Robert, did you hear what she just said about our favorite teenage hangout and shopping establishment?"

Robert Drake came up on Scott and Jean's other side and threw his arm -- crammed though it was with Scott's arm already there -- around Jean, "Jean, Jean Jean. This isn't just a MALL. This is THE mall. My mall! I mean what other place has a toy store, a pet store, a useless junk type store, a HUGE music store, a comic book store, a theatre...and...uh...never mind all malls have those things. But, this one has something the others don't," he stated triumphantly his arm raised high in the air like he was making a huge announcement, "it has character!"

Hank suddenly perked up as he saw what appeared to Scott to be some construction going on near the center of the first floor of the mall. Hank gave Bobby a look Scott didn't QUITE catch and then the two of them turned to Scott, "Well Scott-boy we'll meet up with you guys later for the dinner date we all arranged. Bobby and I have to...uh..."

Bobby finished for him hurriedly as the two moved off at a quick pace, "Wax some squirrels. We'll catch you later." Scott barely caught site of Hank hitting Bobby upside the head, probably for the poor excuse of the waxing squirrels, and turned to his wife, a suspicion starting to grow in his mind, "Jean do you think there is more going on here than we think there i..."

A perky young woman with a bouncing blond bun suddenly appeared before them, so silently and instantaneous in fact that Scott and Jean, even with battle honed instincts, jumped. The blond smiled so brilliantly that light sparkled off of her obviously bleached teeth. Scott and Jean caught sight of the clipboard the woman was holding and exchanged a somewhat baffled look. Suddenly Scott got a very bad feeling.

"Scuse me sir," the perky monstrosity said, "Would you like to take a survey?"

Scott shook his head and tried to manuever around her, "Uh...no thank you, we would not. We sort of have things to do miss. Thank you anyway." Jean followed his lead and mumbling something along the lines of "excuse me" followed her husband.

The blond somehow managed to get in front of them again, "But we'll pay you five dollars and give you a bottle of water for your trouble!" She shot that brilliantly scary smile again, and Scott and Jean exchanged a helpless look.

Jean tried stepping around the woman by going right, at this point every man or woman for themselves, but the woman cut her off and somehow managed to keep eye contact with Scott, almost like a hypnotic power.

"Really, sir, ma'am, it would only take a few minutes of your time."

Scott looked over the woman's arm at the survey she was holding, "A few minutes? That survey is fifteen pages thick! Or more!" The woman just smiled again, her shining smile seeming to get a little bit of an irritated flair to it, "Really sir it won't take much time if you write fast."

Scott and Jean both were at a loss of what to do, they could see that through their mental link. They were seriously thinking of doing what the woman wanted when suddenly another young couple came into the mall, two people that Scott and Jean knew very well, that seemed to be arguing amongst themselves.

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, Pete! Christmas shopping is NOT the end of the world! It will only last a couple of hours at most." Katherine Pryde was a bit irritated with her significant other and didn't notice when the deadly blond homed in on them like a heat sinking missle, giving Scott just enough time to mutter something about his wife going into labor, grabbing Jean, and getting out of the woman's radar site.

"There is no BAR in this mall, Pryde, or even a liquor store. And I'm thirsty. I can't even smoke in here because of those bloody laws that say we can no longer smoke anywhere unless we're wearing an environmental suit that allows the smoke to recirculate and not kill anybody's bloody pet rock. Do you honestly expect me to breathe oxygen? My body won't be able to cope."

"It's not exactly oxygen, Pete, it's mall air. It's a completely different ballgame." At that moment both of them looked up as the blond cleared her throat loudly and beamed the brilliant hundred-watt smile at them both.

Pete glared at her, irritated about being interrupted, and snarled, "What do you bloody well want?"

The woman smiled back charmingly, probably trying to blind them with her smile, Scott thought to himself, "Would you like to take a survey?"

Kitty and Pete were unanimous on their opinion, "NO!!!" It was in perfect synchronization, Scott thought to himself and yet the woman still would not be deterred.

As Pete moved to get out of the way and move around the lady, she moved directly into his path again in her deadly counter move. But Pete pulled out a manuever Scott had never even thought of. He simply put out his hand in front of him and kept walking. The woman went down in a pile of gauze skirts as unfinished survey papers flew out in all directions. Scott was starting to think Pete Wisdom was a strategic genius.

Kitty looked back at the pile of blond hair and skirt and running to catch up with Pete said, "That wasn't very nice."

Pete shrugged as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked around him, "So, why don't you go and help her clean up then."

Kitty's look was one of total disbelief, "Are you NUTS? I'm not that stupid."

Pete glanced as a child ran by their position, screaming and yelling and brandishing what appeared to be a light saber as he ran after another young child and shook his head in frustration with the entire human race, "Dammit doesn't any of these children have parents??? Does no one watch their bloody children anymore!?!"

Kitty looked after the young children and sighed, "PETE can we please focus on Christmas shopping instead of trying to raise America's youth here? Thank you. Now we have to go to the..."

Scott didn't hear the rest of their conversation since they were getting out of range, and turned to his wife. Seeing the very pale look on her face he felt a moment of panic. It was rare he saw his wife scared of anything. So he asked in great concern, "What is it Jean? Are you okay? Talk to me!"

Jean held up a piece of paper in front of him, her telepathy giving nothing away. Scott yanked the paper out of her hand and scanning it quickly felt all of the blood leave his face as well, "Oh, no." He looked at the flyer someone had handed to Jean while he was being nosy and still couldn't believe it, "Creed. Running for President and all of the places that man could come to talk and he comes to MY mall! Crap." With that he looked up and started searching around almost panicked, "I've got a bad feeling about this. Where are Hank and Bobby???"

************

Meanwhile...

Warren glanced at Betsy as well as he could and had to sigh, "Look Bets, as much as I love to Christmas shop and all, don't you think that maybe JUST maybe we've got enough packages for one day?" The talking started to unbalance the precarious load he was currently carrying, and so he paused for a moment to juggle the 30 some odd bags he had been handed in the past couple of hours. He wondered how long they had been there. He'd check his watch but that would result in something heavy he had been handed earlier getting unbalanced and landing on his foot. It seemed they had been there an eternity.

"Warren, where IS your Christmas spirit?" Elizabeth Braddock perused the various shoes on the rack in front of her with all of the concentration of a biologist studying new forms of plant life. She checked the width of one pair of black pumps and did something that looked to Warren like she was testing the weight, and then put that pair back on the rack with a furrow of severe concentration on her brow. She then picked up a second pair of black pumps that looked EXACTLY the same as the first, did the same test, and they too got put back on the rack. She then picked up the first pair again, tested them, and with an uncertain look placed them in the cart. Warren wanted to scream that they were just shoes. He knew at this point that Scott would be laughing his head off at him since he had said that his current situation was the plight of all men and Warren had laughed at him. He told Scott that he liked shopping and so no woman would get the best of him. He was being proven wrong. He glanced at Betsy where she was currently slipping the second pair of pumps she was looking at into the cart to join the first and felt his head about to explode.

"Those will do for now. Back to our conversation, Warren. I don't understand why you are being such a Scrooge about all of this. I mean it's not like I've even dragged you all around town to finish up my Christmas shopping yet. This is one mall and we've only been shopping 2 hours. You have to give some time for these types of things."

TWO HOURS? That was all they'd been in the mall for??? Warren thunked his head against the package closest to his face, juggled the packages to stop them from falling, and wanted to scream. It was going to be a long day, he could tell already.

After they had paid at the register, where Warren SWORE the salesman shot him a sympathetic look, they took a trip out to the car and dropped the various packages they had thus far into the trunk. Which actually improved Warren's mood somewhat since now he had some freedom of movement. Of course, he had no idea how long that freedom would last with the way Betsy could shop, but he figured he'd appreciate it while it lasted. He swung his arms as they walked down the hallway, he bobbed his head. He did everything he could think of to show he could move. Which of course got odd looks shot his way by the general public as well as Betsy. But he didn't care. For the moment he was free.

He looked to the side with a grin on his face and felt his eyes widen because he just suddenly realized he had lost Betsy. He would have thought he'd be glad to have ditched her so that he could go and slack off, but he WAS in love with the woman so he let the natural worry take over instead. He turned around in a circle, his head going from left to right as he looked around to see where she could have gone. Being a head taller than most people in the mall helped considerably, and Betsy being a head taller than all of the women in the mall AND wearing heels helped even more. He spotted her almost immediately. She appeared to be waiting in line to see SANTA CLAUS!?! He rubbed his forehead in confusion and sighed again. Yup, this was going to be a really long day.

He took full strides to catch up to Betsy's position, letting people part the way for an irritated blond guy who was bigger and broader then most of the men in the place, and came to Betsy's side. "Betsy what are you do..." He saw the look on Betsy's face suddenly, the fury so apparent in her eyes they had gone from their usual lovely violet to a dark dark eggplant color, and instead asked, "What's wrong?"

Betsy didn't say anything, she just pointed. Warren followed her finger and saw what appeared to be two young boys comforting a younger girl. Warren sent his confusion down the telepathic link he and Betsy shared and got an answer about one mental octave higher than he would have liked, "The girl is a young mutant orphan that Moira and Rahne have been taking care of on Muir. Artie and Leech wanted to bring her to the mall to have some fun and to introduce her to Christmas because she had never even heard of it before in the foster homes she had grown up in. Well, she doesn't look like a mutant, but she has a lot of scars from the fire that killed her parents and SANTA over there told her that Santa didn't bring presents to freaky children. I caught his thoughts and how upset the little girl was from across the mall and came to have a word with SANTA!!"

Warren was a bit preoccupied with the fact that all of the children there didn't seem to have one parent with them and was a bit baffled by that, but he understood Betsy's upset and encouraged her mentally to see what she could do. Santa was currently being somewhat nasty to another young boy who had a cast on over his leg saying how he couldn't pick the boy up so if he wanted to get a present he was going to have to jump up on Santa's lap all on his own. Warren had had enough. He was about to say something, when Betsy put her hand on his arm and shook her head, silently telling him she'd take care of this.

She tapped one of the elves that was looking mighty irritated with Santa on the shoulder and spoke in a low voice. The elf nodded a couple of times and then took off his hat, scarf and jacket and handed them to Betsy saying something along the lines of "I quit." Betsy slipped all of the aforementioned items on and reaching into her jacket pocket as she handed it to Warren she took out a pair of sunglasses and a wallet she carried around in the instance that her purse got stolen. She slipped the sunglasses on and as the little boy started to cry and stepping forward with great authority said, "I'm Agent B. Elf and you sir are an imposter." With that she flicked her wallet open quickly and flicked it shut again, "Santa sent me to take care of you. He doesn't like his helpers turning away boys and girls because under article C of the code it states that all little boys and girls, if they are good during the year, will get good presents from Santa Claus. Under article D 123.7, sub-article B, it states that 'Santa loves all boys and girls, no matter race, creed, color, stature, physical deformity or other.' So you sir have broken the law. And that's where we come in."

The young girl that Artie and Leech were with, Warren noticed, was paying rapt attention to everything Betsy said and had stopped crying, and even he had to admit Bets played an agent like a pro. Even if she was wearing elf ears, had purple hair sticking out from underneath her hat, and was wearing heels instead of pointy little booties.

The current Santa who was underneath the hard scrutiny of about 20 or more youngsters didn't seem the least bit worried, which Warren thought showed his stupidity even more. "Look chicky, I'm doing the job that I was hired to do. How I do it is my business. Now get lost." Warren really didn't like the way he called Betsy "chicky" and neither did Betsy obviously, because she walked up, yanked off the man's beard to show the cruel scruffy face beneath and said in a quiet voice to the surrounding children, "See. I told you all. He's an imposter." The wave of malice and anger from the children swept Warren a bit just from being connected to Betsy, so he could imagine how intense it really was. Betsy must have caught some nasty thought from the man in the seat who was currently not sporting a Santa beard, because she reached down, yanked one of the oversized candy canes out of the fake snow, and said, "This is what we do to imposters."

Warren flinched as Betsy proceeded to flog the man with the candy cane - even though he did have a half grin on his face as he did it. The kids were cheering as Betsy wailed on the fake Santa, and Warren knew that he would never forget the sight of a woman trained as a ninja whacking the crap out of a nasty guy dressed in a Santa suit. He was going to have laughs for years after this. The guy in the Santa suit finally managed to pull away from Betsy and make a run for it, but there was no escape from his sins. A young boy, probably about 10 or so, who had been holding his crying younger sister, suddenly shouted, "GET HIM!!!" and the chase was on.

**************

Pete grumbled for the fifteenth time in an hour and Kitty finally turned around and glared from where she was sifting through stacks of comic books, "LOOK Pete, if you didn't want to come shopping with me why didn't you just stay home?"

For the first time since they had gotten there Pete's face lit with a half-grin and Kitty realized two things at one time. A) He'd been trying to jerk her chain this whole time and B) He had succeeded. She growled in frustration and turned back to her comic books saying without looking up, "Don't you have your own Christmas shopping to do you obnoxious English sod?"

Pete was currently flipping through an X rated comic book and shaking his head at some of the bizarre stories they had in it when Kitty's words processed. He looked thoughtful and said, "No, I don't think I do right this minute. I have an idea of what I'm going to get people, so it should take me ten minutes tops to get it all done. You can say many things about me but I am an organized chap when I want to be. Is there somewhere I can get coffee in this mall though?"

Kitty was currently flipping through a box of Elfquest comics and murmured, "Yeah there are tons of coffee places in this mall. Why don't you go find one? Bring me a latte. I'll meet you at the music store." Pete bent over and not being able to resist kissed her on the back of the neck where her ponytail exposed the normally hidden skin, "I can do that I guess." He stood up and was about to step out into the mall when he saw what looked to be a crowd of pigmies running after Santa Claus, and then he realized that there was that damn crowd of parentless children running after Santa. They must have raided a makeup counter from somewhere because some of the kids were sporting war paint that looked like Kitty's favorite color of lipstick. Pete looked at the comic book guy behind the counter and near shouted, "Do any of these BLOODY kids have parents??? I keep reading about all of these mall accidents where kids get lost or kids get hurt. If parents would watch their kids instead of letting Santa babysit them maybe you bloody yanks wouldn't have the problems with violence in this country that you do and the liability insurance! Bloody hell!" The comic book guy just shook his head and flipped open a new comic book.

Once he was out in the main corridors of the mall, Pete swung into the nearest place proclaiming proudly with a coffee pot on the sign that it was "Java Junkie Heaven." Pete walked up to the counter and waited in the extremely long line that was almost out the door, but the thought of a good cup of nice black coffee that would be strong enough to nuke the taste of mall air out of his throat kept him there. He finally, after what seemed hours and tons of people not being able to make up their mind if they wanted this or that, he got up to the counter and said calmly, "I'd like a cup of coffee." The woman behind the counter shot him a confused look, her bleach-blond hair with the red streak dyed in looking super high classy, Pete thought to himself, "What type of coffee would you like sir? We have french vanilla, Irish cream, hazelnut?"

Pete had the grace to look, not irritated, just a bit impatient, "Nothing like that. I want a good cup of PLAIN black coffee that has enough caffiene in it to make my arteries explode. That's it."

The woman held up a finger, and looking quite bewildered, quickly walked over to her manager, who was talking to someone else currently, and Pete could tell she was asking something. Pete saw the manager shake his head to whatever the girl was asking and the girl motioned toward where Pete stood and said something else. The manager once again shook his head and went back to talking his friend who laughed at something he said as he motioned toward Pete. The girl then came back up to the counter and looking like she was about to get screamed at she said, "I'm sorry sir. We don't have just plain coffee here. Could I interest you in a latte or cappuccino?"

Pete looked at her aghast. He couldn't help himself as he asked, "You don't sell coffee? What in the Hell is that coffee pot doing on your sign then?"

The girl looked at him and said, biting her lower lip a little nervously, "Well we do sell coffee, sir. We just don't sell plain old coffee that comes out of a pot."

Pete threw up his hands and grabbing a suggestion card by the register, pulled out his pen. He then in the comments box put "Get regular coffee you yuppie haiku-spouting idiots or take the coffee pot down off of your sign." He then handed it to the girl and said, "I'd bother your manager and give this to him personally, but I don't think he likes to be bothered by customers that much." With that he walked out of the place, forgetting to get Kitty her latte in the process. He looked around the mall corridors and seeing at least three other coffee places SWORE he was going to find one place in this damn mall that served regular coffee or he was going to fall off the wagon and start killing people. And the first one would be that moron manager in the coffee place he'd just walked out of.

As a heard of screaming children ran by his feet, he barely being able to keep his balance he couldn't help yelling at the top of his lungs, "DO NONE OF THESE BLOODY CHILDREN HAVE PARENTS?!?"

****************

Scott looked at Jean and then leaned against the window of the pet store, "Jean, I don't we're going to find them. How Hank and Bobby blended into this place so well I have no idea, but I can be honest and say I'm getting nervous. God only knows what those two have planned, especially with Creed, Hank's old foe, in their mall. They're going to consider it an invasion of their personal space."

Jean didn't seem to be listening as she wandered over toward a lingerie store. Finally after a few moments, she murmured, "Scott...do you think that some of the spark has gone out of our marriage?"

Scott spit the slurpy he'd been drinking out of his nose. After a good fit of coughing he asked, his voice hoarse from choking, "What made you ask that question?"

Jean shrugged as she looked a silk nightie that Scott knew she'd look good in, but he also knew she'd look better in some of the other things she already had. Then again, he reflected, Jean Grey-Summers would look good in just about anything. She got a reflective look on her face and finally said, "I don't know. I was just wondering if we'd gotten into a rut. We don't really do anything exciting anymore to liven things up."

Scott raised an eyebrow and replied, "Jean. We lived together for what? Almost 10 years before we got married. We know each other inside and out. I mean once we'd lived together for two years before we tied the knot we knew there wasn't a lot of new material we could come up with. About the only thing we haven't done is upside down in a car going 80 miles an hour. What do you think would liven up our marriage anyway?" He sounded defensive. He knew he did. He couldn't help it. The woman was calling into question his manhood basically, and he, like any normal human male, felt the need to defend himself.

Jean continued walking down the mall corridor and said, "Really I don't know, Scott. Maybe we aren't in a rut at all. It just seems that all married couples get into a rut and I want to make sure we're not one of them."

Scott felt a headache coming on. Because his wife, while the most beautiful woman he knew and most kind and all kinds of other things, when it came right down to it she was also a woman. And that immediately meant that she was put on this Earth to confuse poor joe-shmoes like him. Finally, at odds on what to say and Jean looking at him expectantly for an answer he replied slowly, "Okkkkaaayyy. As long as we have that settled then."

As Jean walked off toward yet another clothing store, Scott jogged a couple of steps to catch up with her and asked, "Are you going to need me for anything?"

Jean turned around and shook her head, "No, I don't think so sweetie. Why?"

Scott motioned toward the bookstore on the wall of stores facing them, "I was going to check and see if some of my favorite writers have come out with any new books. Mad Dog McCloud is supposed to come out with a new detective novel sometime soon, so I wanted to see if they have his new book."

Jean shook her head again, this time in wary amusement, "And you want to see if Spillane has somehow decided to write another book after all of these years too, right? Scott, he's like 85 now if he's not dead."

Scott scowled a little bit in irritation at his wife. Here was a woman who would reserve a copy of her favorite slut and smut writer for like months, but just because he liked Spillane...

He finally said in a somewhat defensive tone, "If Spillane is dead then they can get a good medium to come in and translate more novels of his from beyond the grave. Just because he's old doesn't mean there's no hope of a new novel, thank you very much. That and I'll have you know that I wanted to also check and see if some of the military writers I follow have come out with new books. I also want to see if the copy of the one rare books I have on order about the Waffen SS is in yet."

Jean sighed as she motioned toward one of Scott's favorite hangouts in any mall. Guaranteed by the time they went home they'd also hit the video store, "Okay, okay. Go and read your books. Hail me telepathically later on where to meet you okay?"

Scott nodded and headed toward the bookstore, a determined look his wife never got to see on his face as he did so, "Sure thing, Red. See you in a bit."

****************

Hank looked at Bobby and motioned toward the stage. And the various security guards surrounding said stage, "What do you think Bobby? Do you think we can reach that weak point in the stage to crash the whole thing down? Without using mutant powers of course because that would put mutant relations back another twenty years."

Bobby looked at the stage in a considering manner and smiled, "Actually, if we can't...I have a back up plan."

******************

Kitty looked around the toy store, clutching the latte she had to go and order HERSELF and looked for a good present for some of her friends. A lot of them were big kids are heart, so Kitty was currently perusing the action figure section, or she would have been had it not been for the fact that she was still trying to figure out what Pete's problem had been. He had met up with her spouting off about having been to four coffee places thus far and not one person served coffee and all kinds of other weird things. She had then, stupidly, asked where her latte was and Pete had almost gone berserk saying she was as bad as those haiku-spouting yuppie bastards. He'd then stormed off, probably to go and find coffee and Kitty had gone and grabbed her latte and then gone to the toy store for sanctuary.

She finally looked up and realized that she must have taken a wrong turn in the gigantic toy store because all around her was pink. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust and when they did, she realized that she was, obviously, in the girl toys section. She shrugged and figuring since she was here anyway she'd look and see if they had come out with anything cool since she'd been a kid. Around her were Barbera dolls, like what she used to play with when she was a child but with a couple extreme differences. For one thing not all of them were tall and blond anymore and for some odd reason Ben was no longer just a gigolo. She looked through all of the lawyer Barberas and other various careers the woman seemed to have and shook her head. The doll never ceased to amaze her. Barbera did everything. She was a teacher, a lawyer, a cheerleader, a baseball player, a writer, an artist and every other career Kitty could think of, including baby-sitting. THEN she somehow found time to be an excellent cook, support her loser boyfriend (if you got generic Ben), owned a nice house, car and other luxuries and somehow the woman was always smiling. Made an adult want to run screaming at the thought. Kitty just assumed that Barbera was always high. It made sense that way.

Her eyes then lit on something that astounded her and made her face light up with a smile. FINALLY they had come out with a Barbera doll that Kitty could respect! Before her stood none other than "Physics Barbera" complete with her own atom smasher. Kitty looked at how Barbera was a brunette this time and had glasses, a lab coat, and some other instruments of science behind her and had to smile a bit. It was good to see a positive female role model for young girls out there, especially in this genre of dolls. She was about to walk away when she saw something that made her halt, "I talk," the sign said, "press the button". Kitty couldn't resist, she raised her finger and pressed the fateful button. The words that than came out of Barbera's mouth would change her perspective on the whole "positive female role model" thought.

"I like physics," the doll said, "they're totally rad."

RAD??? RAD??? Kitty thought of the ten MILLION different things the doll could have said that didn't involve making her sound like a bubble brain and felt her ire rise. She'd been the butt end of all kinds of jokes when she was a kid because she was a "geek" until people got to know her and realized that she was a friendly geek. But she had never, NEVER IN HER ENTIRE LIFE said "Physics are totally rad!" and she certainly never said anything like that to be popular or to fit in. She thought of all the young girls out there that could be listening to this...abomination and how it might affect their speech centers, not to mention their brain cell count and felt cheated for those children. She wanted to shoot something. She wanted to do destruction to the company that made the doll. She wanted...an easy bake oven.

**********************

Scott was sitting in the bookstore with a almost amazed look on his face as he flipped through one book after another when suddenly two of the people he had wanted to track down came rushing in. Hank McCoy dove behind the bookcase where Scott was currently flipping through books and Bobby Drake quickly yanked up a newspaper to cover his upper body. Security guards were at the front of the store suddenly. They looked around, spoke into their radios and kept moving through the mall. The two men in front of him looked relieved and Scott couldn’t help but NOT let them off the hook. He tapped Hank on the shoulder and said, “By the way…they’re gone. And pray tell why were they chasing you two?”

Scott watched Hank and Bobby both slowly stiffen and turn around, “Uh…hi Scott.” Bobby’s tone was far from pleased as they smiled with the utmost innocence in Scott’s direction, “Why were the guards after us? Um…no reason really. I think we were framed.”

Hank smacked his face into his hand as he muttered, “Great…framed. Of all of the conspiracy theories you could have spat out Robert, you go with framed. Why not just say the aliens did it while you’re at it. Maybe Scott, being a sci-fi fan would buy that excuse a little better.” Bobby glared at him and then made a sweeping motion with his hand as if to say, “Well if you can do better smart butt, go right ahead.”

Hank smiled at Scott and said, “We were merely trying to sabotage Creed’s anti-mutant telecast that he will be giving here this evening. That’s all. The guards caught us trying to saw through the main support beam with a hack saw and so they pursued us through the mall posthaste. But we were able to escape our lively foes by going into the one place that mall security never thinks to look…the great majesty of the bookstore. Any other questions Oh-Fearless-One?” Bobby walked up and slowly smacked his head off of one of the bookcases, “Great Hank,” he muttered, “my excuses weren’t good enough so let’s go with the truth instead. Lovely.”

Scott had to give his best friend credit. Hank McCoy had absolutely no shame and he hadn’t managed to pick any up in all of the years that Scott had known him. Hank didn’t even pretend to try to have shame anymore, saying that old age had made him realize that life was too short for stupid excuses. Scott guessed that Hank was now taking those words to heart.

Scott shrugged as he motioned for them to take cover again as the security guards went rushing back toward the other end of the mall, passing in front of the bookstore like it wasn’t even there as they searched the mall for the two men in front of him. “Okay,” he told them both, “if you can do it without getting caught, be my guest. I know that I wouldn’t be able to stop you once you got it into your heads to do it anyway. By the way, Bobby, you might want to look at this. I found it on the shelf and am thinking of picking up a copy.”

Bobby took the book from Scott’s hand and when he read the title felt a buzzing in his ears and his face went numb, “Son of a monkey,” Bobby murmured, “she just doesn’t know when to quit does she?” He held the book up to Hank who proceeded to snicker into his hand, “The X-men Revealed”, read the cover, “All of the X-men’s Dirty Secrets They Don’t Want You to Know.” Bobby then pointed at the writer and Hank felt his jaw drop too, “My GOD Robert, Opal wrote that? What in all of the elemental charts did we do to her?”

Scott shrugged as he picked up another book from the rack, “Dated her I guess. Let me see…what neat things did I read about. Oh yes, Logan and Kitty are sleeping together…then again Logan is bi and sleeping with anything, including me and Jean although both of us have no idea the other is sleeping with the runt. Although I’m somehow still having an affair with Betsy even after Jean and I are married, although how that is possible I have no idea since Jean would kill us both. That and I love my wife, but love really doesn’t enter into that book. Hank is in love with Jubilee, although she too is sleeping with Logan. I mean there’s all KINDS of funny nifty stuff in there, although the truth that she wrote is even funnier. Like me marrying my wife’s clone…most people won’t believe that one.”

Bobby growled as he flipped through the book and asked, “What did she write about me then?”

Hank flipped through another copy quickly, letting his mind process information about ten million times faster than the average person and after a moment said with pursed lips, “That you’re very boring, an inconsiderate brute who used her for sex and that the sex wasn’t that great. Other than that she doesn’t think you’ll ever get another girlfriend and that your life is a bit pathetic.”

Bobby glared at the book and snarled at the “About the Author” picture, “Well at least I DON’T HAVE TO write a tell all book to get noticed you big jerk.”

“Bobby, you’re talking to a book.” Hank said sweetly.

“Yeah Hank and you know what? SHUT UP!”

Scott pointed at where the book had been and said, “Sex Lies and X-men seems to be selling pretty good. It’s number 6 on the top best sellers list. Not too shabby.”

Hank finally noticed what Scott was reading and felt his jaw go a bit slack from horror, “Scott, WHAT ARE you reading??? Good God man those things will make your head explode and the bone fragments will kill at least two other males.”

Scott looked at the woman smiling brightly on the cover and then read the title again, “How to Please Your Woman…In the Bedroom and Out.” Scott had to agree with Hank, these books would make your head explode if you gave them enough time. Since Bobby was preoccupied flipping through Opal’s book, looking more and more ticked off, Scott motioned to the book he was holding and said, “Jean said that we’re in a rut. She wants to put more spark into our marriage. I think. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure I got a gist in what she was saying.” He flipped to one page in the book and read, “Sex isn’t everything. Men must learn that women are very much into romance and want to be wooed. So, hold their hand and show them once in a while that you look at them as more than just sex objects.” Scott motioned toward Hank and said, “I thought I did that when I said I loved her and would take her to be my wife.”

Hank shook his head at Scott and yanked the book out of his hand, “You’re doing research on what women want? What women want is…”

“An endless supply of chocolate, a fat-free desert that ACTUALLY tastes good, men to hold doors open for them -if they say they want something else it’s a lie--, a razor that doesn’t cut the crap out of your legs when you shave or a waxing system that doesn’t require severe pain, a maid and chef and an endless supply of money to shop…with sales going on in those shops. Other than that we don’t want or need a whole lot.” Betsy looked at both of the men before her who were looking almost flabbergasted and asked, “What? You asked what women want.”

Warren shook his head and told Betsy, “Well you have to understand. Basically all men want is women in sexy lingerie with beer or another drink of their choice and their needs are met. Unless you’re the fighting type and then Valhalla is basically men’s dreams of heaven. We don’t want or need a whole heck of a lot to be happy.”

Betsy shrugged, “Well then, you should raise your standards a little bit on what you could dream to have, Warren my love.”

Warren looked at Bobby and Hank and said, “You can leave the bookstore now you know. Kids are running rampant through the mall and one of them managed to hurt themselves so the security guards are trying to get him unstuck from the fountain. So they’ve forgotten all about you two.” He then glanced at Scott and said, “And why, pray tell are you reading those chic books? You’re body is going to go into shock thinking that you are a ‘sensitive male’ translation…wimpo by the time you’re done reading those things.”

Betsy glared at Warren as she said, “Excuse me? That was one of the most insensitive things I’ve ever heard you say Warren Worthington.”

Warren smiled and shrugged, “What can I say. I’m male when it comes right down to it Bets. Them’s the breaks.”

He looked up and suddenly realized that Hank and Bobby had disappeared again. Scott shrugged and went back to reading his book, looking like he was pulling his teeth out with pliers. “Bobby went and threw the money for a copy of Opal’s new book down on the counter and left while you two were talking. I don’t know why Bobby bought the book…it’s just going to make him upset.”

*************

Hours into his quest for coffee, Pete Wisdom was ready to quit. Walking out of yet another coffee place with the manager screaming after him, Pete gave him a very nasty signal and shouted back, “Pull your pants up and get a real job! I’m bloody sure your parents aren’t proud of you looking like that let alone working a crap job like that. Bloody spoiled capitalist little bastard!” He then found himself once again in the middle of the mall and not knowing where to go next. He was hungry, frustrated and tired and he STILL hadn’t found one coffee place in this bloody mall that served ACTUAL coffee. He rubbed his throbbing forehead and looking up saw a diner. Smelling the deep fat fried goodness that called to his arteries like ambrosia, Pete realized that he wasn’t just hungry he was starved. Figuring he’d get some chips to help satisfy his hunger he walked into the dingy place and had to sigh in relief. Now here was a place he could deal with. If there had been a smoking section it would have been per…

Seeing the smoking section sign he almost cheered. He had found sanctuary in this whole mass of commercialism. He sat down at the bar and a woman with a hairnet and apron came up to him and asked, “What’ll you have dear?”

Pete lit a fag and taking a deep inhale off of it said, “I’d like some chips.”

The woman turned, “Barbecue, plain or salt and vinegar?”

Pete shook his head a little bit, “Wait…I forgot you yanks call them fries.”

The woman turned around again and smiled, “Ah…an English type huh? Okay, small or large?”

Pete figured he was hungry enough and said, “Large. And a burger if you would, with cheese.”

The woman flipped burgers like a pro and shoved the fries into the vat of grease. As Pete smelled them cooking, he thought his day was finally starting to look up. Then the woman, without asking, flipped over the mug he had on the counter and reaching over grabbed a pot and poured some into his cup, “Here you go hon. Coffee helps any day be better. Looks like you could use it.”

Pete looked down at the cup in suspicion. He sniffed the liquid and found it smelled like real honest-to-goodness black coffee. He then, figuring you only lived once took a sip of the stuff. The harsh taste of very thick black coffee slid down his throat like the most delicious liquid on Earth and he did smile. It wasn’t scotch, but it’d most certainly do. He swallowed the coffee in like three seconds and as the woman went to refill his mug, he put up a staying motion, “Leave the pot.”

*************

He had been in the diner for almost an hour, so finally, Pete bought the biggest size of liquid travel container the woman had and filling it with coffee left a huge tip and wandered back out into mall Hell as he was beginning to call it. People bustled left and right and he had shake his head as he headed toward the stores he’d cased out earlier to get his Christmas shopping done. It took him a total of twenty minutes to get it all done and he was heading to the stores where he was most likely to find his girlfriend. Suddenly he heard over a megaphone, “I am here to demonstrate how we, the intelligent girls of America and overseas feel about Barbera dolls and how some of them are BAD role models for young girls! This doll,” a doll was shoved over the heads of the crowd, “is supposed to represent a respectable scientist and yet what does she say??? She says the words ‘totally rad’ which I find completely despicable! Those words show that this woman is NOT a world famous scientist…it shows she’s a bubble brain in a lab coat. Some of us were teased as geeks when we were children to BECOME physicists! We did not become physicists to have a doll make a mockery of everything we have worked hard to achieve! And so, I say to you…BURN BARBERA BURN!!!”

Pete recognized the voice immediately and quickly shoved his way through the crowd of people. In the middle of the relatively small crowd stood Kitty and she was currently shoving a Barbera doll, whatever the Hell that was, into what looked to be an Easy Bake Oven. As the smell of burning plastic started to permeate out into the crowd, Kitty laughed evily. Seeing the crowd of security guards coming, Pete swooped in, grabbed Kitty’s other bags that she had, grabbed her arm in his other hand and forcefully dragged her into the crowd of onlookers saying, “That’s the last time I let you talk me into not giving you your medication.” The people bought it and quickly dispersed. For a moment Pete wondered what the security guards would make of one plastic doll getting melted into an Easy Bake Oven, but he didn’t stick around to be nosy enough to find out.

Kitty glanced at Pete and said defensively, finally, “I had to defend the geeky girls out there who want to be physicists. Might not make sense to you, but dammit Pete an intelligent girl should never have to say ‘RAD’ to anything. Thank you.”

Pete shook his head and finally reached over and kissed the top of Kitty’s head, “I don’t always understand you, Pryde, but I love you anyway, so I’ll put up with it. What in the Hell is going on here?”

Kitty and Pete stopped dead, not being able to go any further. A crowd had gathered in front of some type of stage. Kitty raised an eyebrow and reading the signs said, “This has something to do with Creed for President. Oh GREAT of all the things to wreck my day…”

Suddenly the crowd cheered as out onto the stage walked none other than Graydon Creed. Kitty booed at the top of her lungs and as people turned to see who was booing she simply gave them a stoic look. Pete had never seen this guy in action before, and so he paid attention when the crowd went silent.

“My fellow Americans, I am here today to express to you the concern of mutants. In our schools with our children. In our malls shopping beside us. Everywhere we are, mutants are. And I, and you as well I’m sure, am concerned about this, for what if one of those mutants go out of control. They could kill thousands in one minute. And so I am here to talk about alternatives.”

Pete couldn’t help himself, he yelled out, “That is the biggest bunch of BS I’ve ever heard you bleeding yank!”

Everyone turned to look at him, but he didn’t care, “Come off of yourself! Mutants in school? Big deal! At least mutants fear what they can do most times. What about the bloody problems you have with kids getting a hold of guns and explosives, going berserk and blowing stuff up? And those bloody kids are human! The problem in your bloody country isn’t mutants! It’s the fact that no one looks after their kids! They don’t look into what their kids are doing so they can have a bloody assembly line of bomb making tools in their bloody garage. Guns, mutant powers, explosives…these things aren’t the problem. It’s personal responsibility that’s your bloody problem. Like you got a bloody lot of kids in this mall who are running around in war paint with no parental supervision! Who’s going to take responsibility for THAT?”

Creed glared at him and said, “Your name sir?”

Pete glared back and yelled, “Doesn’t matter! Aren’t you going to give your bloody speech now you pompous windbag?”

A couple people in the audience snickered, but the glare from the stage kept them from continuing.

“And so my fellow Americans, we have to address the mutant issue by harsh solution. I suggest putting a small amount of our national budget toward keeping mutants under control…”

Pete spoke up again, “Oh I GET it so mutants don’t pay taxes in this bloody country than huh? You can’t mean to actually have mutants PAY to get themselves eradicated do you? Or have the good hard working citizens pay for you guys to come up with stupid ideas to get mutants to come forward and say ‘please kill me’. The Mutant Registration Act of 1987 was bad enough I’d say. Wasted billions of dollars in tax payer money so that all of the honest mutants could identify themselves while all of the bad ones didn’t. Stupid plan to begin with and now you want to expand on that! Good thinking Sherlock. You think that one up all by yourself? I’m glad I’m from England now more than ever because I’m not going to have to pay for this mess.”

People could be heard to muttering, “He’s got a point”, “tax dollars did go into that fiasco”, “what about the avengers and other local heroes…they don’t deserve this type of treatment”, “the obnoxious guy has some good points”. Creed looked like he’d swallowed a watermelon whole. His face was turning purple and veins were standing out in stark relief. He brought one of his people aside and muttered something to them about removing Pete, Kitty could tell, and she tried to think fast. She needn’t have bothered.

A resounding twang echoed through the audience and Creed suddenly stiffened. As he collapsed unconscious everyone got to see the two men that had been standing behind him. Kitty laughed into her hand. One of them was obviously Bobby Drake in a very bad dark haired wig and sunglasses. The other was Hank, his image inducered self looking like a teenage slacker. Bobby looked out at the audience and shouted, “Mallrats RULE!” right before he took off for parts unknown, Hank hot on his heels. The stage suddenly groaned as the security guards were about to start chase and they managed to get off of it and get Creed clear right before the stage completely crashed down around them.

Later the news would say the act was done by teenagers trying to get attention, even if it was negative attention. Scott just shook his head when he heard about it that night at dinner and asked Bobby and Hank why they had gone through all of that trouble. They had explained that they had wanted to keep Creed on there long enough to fall through the floor onto some mats (they weren’t trying to kill him after all) but Hank’s calculations had been off so they had to get Creed off the stage somehow before the whole thing came down. So they had knocked him out with a bat. They didn’t blame Pete for delaying Creed though as they had tons of fun listening to him rant.

The parents of the children at the mall were finally found and their children returned to them. Pete thought it truly pathetic that the parents got the children back without any fuss by anyone, but muttered something about America being a bit loopy anyway, and left it at that. The Santa immediately quit his job and was put into rehab when he kept talking about the elf secret service coming to get him. Scott finally gave up on the books in the book store giving him the answer to his questions about his marriage and just tackled Jean into an elevator later, where he was able to assure her that there was still a spark in their marriage. He was still embarrassed about the whole event later, but had to admit that the whole experience was fun. Jean glowed for weeks afterward and stopped talking about the whole subject saying she could still learn new things about her husband everyday.

Kitty wrote to the Barbera company about 200 times to complain about the physics Barbie fiasco and the company finally changed the words Barbera said to “physics are neat” which Kitty still found to be insulting, but not a burning in an Easy Bake Oven offense. Bobby sued Opal for slander under Iceman’s name. The case is looking good in Bobby’s favor with rewards pending.

Kitty got Pete 5 pounds of good coffee, Rory’s kind, for Chanukah as well as a super fast coffee pot to brew it in. Pete was very happy and showed Kitty how happy he was later after everyone was in bed.

Lockheed wasn’t in this story, but he wanted to say hi and remember to have a fun shopping experience.

The End