I was five years old when I found out that the cat I'd had for the last year of my life had been hit by a car by one of the neighbors. I overheard the conversation between Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Goodstein while I was out playing. I was horrified and ran into the house, hoping that the small white fluff ball would come bounding around the corner and overtake me like it had done for as long as I could remember in my short memory. It didn't. I tearfully ran into the kitchen and with memories playing in my mind like sabers for one so young as I remembered my cat, one of my best friends at the time, I asked my mother tearfully if she had seen the animal. My mother, who I had respected and loved so faithfully my whole life, turned around and I knew the truth in her face. My mom had loved that cat too and I could see where she had been crying. And I asked what had happened, wanting to hear and confirm the truth through her so I could then be allowed to cry and run into her arms. My mother, who I had thought was as close to God as you could get, looked me straight in my brown eyes shining with unshed tears and lied. She told me that the cat had run away and she didn't know where it was. I grew up a little bit that day about more than one thing. I didn't speak to mom at all, because even being young I was mature for my age and I didn't like being patronized. I ran into the living room with the intent to run to my room and pour out my grief there when a voice stopped me, telling me to stop and sit. It turned out my grandfather was visiting that day, and to this day I'm so glad he was. He saw the look of pain on my face from my grief and what probably passed for disappointment and a bit of disgust at my mother and patting his knee told me, "Kitten, sit down."
I did as he bade me and he held me while silent tears ran down my face. He sighed and hugged me a bit and then handing me his hankerchief said, "Let me share something with you little one because, Kitten, I know you can handle it and understand what I'm saying. The cat, you loved it correct?" I looked at him, more tears starting to run at the mention of the cat, and nodded.
He pushed my hair back from my face, always a curly brown mess of curls, and said, "And you will miss it and that, Kitten, is the greatest thing any being on this planet can ask for. Because you see, love, if you remember the cat than it will not die for as long as you live. It will live in your memories of it and the love you had for it. That is a great miracle that all human beings are capable of. Love is a great mystery, but also a wonderful thing. You might not think so now with the pain you feel, but, Kitten, one day you'll look back on the memories of loved ones and miss them, but still smile. And in that way they too will never die. To remember those things and people who have passed before you and remember them...that, to me, is worth any pain at all that you have to go through losing them later. Because what would hurt worse, Kitten, to have loved them and be able to remember them and tell stories to people about them, or to not have known them at all and have your life be more a hollow place."
Sure, it was a lot more winded than, "Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all", but it made the point and was explained to me a lot better. And grandpa was right. I understood what he was saying and I agreed with him after the pain had waned a bit. For instance any pain of losing my grandfather was worth looking back on the memories I have of him like that one with the cat. He taught me so much. I still miss Grandpa Pryde, but at the same time I'm glad I miss him. Love is a wonderful emotion and can motivate us to great heights, but at the same time it can hurt like Hell. But, looking back on it all I'm glad I went through love and everything that went with it because it made me a better person, overall.
I know it will be that way with a lot of things, including this. I'll look back on this time later with bittersweet regret and memories of the past. I look down at the painting that you did of Illyana, the only one I managed to save before you destroyed the rest of your artwork that day at her funeral and shake my head in remorse that I couldn't have saved more, but remember you sitting at your easel painting with a look of extreme concentration on your face and have to smile. God were you mad the day that I yanked you away from that painting to look at that old Star Wars comic book. The day I confessed my childish love for you and we shared our first kiss. That is a good memory. I remember the feeling of anticipation as I thought of kissing you. The love I felt for you, that childish love that is so unlike any other because it is your first. The innocence in it all and the feeling like anything is possible if you simply love one another enough.
Those were good days, full of promise.
Then there is the letdown of that first true love. It hurt worse then having my finger nails ripped out or being tortured by demons. The thing about first love is that it feels the best and most pure when you're in it and then the let down of that love literally tears your heart to shreds. When you get over it though, it strengthens you and your heart heals with a bit of scar tissue to show for it. You start to realize, if you're smart, what went wrong with that relationship and try not to do it again. And you do that with each broken heart you recieve. Unfortunately, my problem was that I was friends with that first love after we broke up and it complicated things. There was always a promise that maybe we could get back together or something at the back of my mind. No, I never went out planning to win you back, but at the same time I wanted you to notice what you lost and one day wake up to what a great prize I was. And then, I always thought to myself, I would tell you that tough luck I was doing fine on my own and go climb a tree and all of the past pain I had felt would be vindicated.
It was childish thoughts and in retrospect, very quickly, I started to move on and saw other people and while I was never in a serious relationship with any of them, it helped me gain my confidence back a bit that people would not fall in and out of love with me at the drop of a hat. God bless Caliban. I felt so bad when he fell in love with me because I couldn't return his love because I loved another. But he, in a lot of ways, helped to heal me. He showed me that even though I couldn't love him back in the way he wanted, that being my friend was enough for him because it meant he got to see me and talk to me and that was the most important thing to him. He showed me what true love was. He never betrayed me and if he had fallen in love with another I know he would have told them that his heart belonged to another who had his love first and that'd be that for him, even knowing that he'd never be in a couple with me. In his eyes I was the most beautiful person on the planet and to me that was astounding. But, it showed me what true loyalty was in a friendship because he would never betray me. To this day I know he'd never betray me. I wish I knew where he disappeared to because I'd visit him more, now more than ever.
Love and pain are always completely intermixed in the human condition. I look around the room and sitting on the bed feel like crying. I had experienced so much in this mansion. I made friends like Ororo who at first was a mother to me and then a good friend. I had Logan who was a mentor, sensei and the most bluntly honest and loyal friend a person could want. I found Lockheed, or he found me, and I gained a partner in crime and a best bud who would be at my side to the death, through anything, for as long as he lived. And the fact that he was a dragon just made the whole situation that much cooler.
There was Doug. So like me in so many ways. We were both geniuses and both had warped senses of humor not many people understood. Yes, there was attraction there, but we would never have dated. It would have wrecked what was to us the perfect friendship. That and Doug always joked to others when they asked why we never got together, that we were so much alike that we'd probably kill our kids from neglect because we'd get involved writing a computer program and forget to feed our children for a week. In a lot of ways he had a point about us being that much alike...in good and bad ways.
There was Illyana. Oh Illyana. I miss you so much, especially now. She had been like the twin sister I never had, almost like the second half to my soul and in not a sexual way like "soulmates" or anything. She and I were the better and worse parts of each other, but never at the same time, so we always balanced one another out. We accepted one another for the good and evil parts in our soul and never thought twice about it. It was like we had found that one friend in a lifetime that you'd do anything for. I wish that Illyana was still alive. I would have loved to have introduced her to my dad and my mom and others and I'm sure they would have adopted her as a surrogate daughter in a second. I still remember her balancing pencils on her lip and joking about different things, like how my computer meant more to me than a bath. We both had a good laugh about that because while I had remembered to take a shower that morning, I had become so involved in my computer programing that I'd started to brush my hair and just left the brush dangling in it. I could use her here now to hold me and I her and we'd both feel better knowing that everything was going to be okay.
You didn't spend a lot of time with me after I started hanging with Illyana, did you Piotr? Makes me wonder what you thought of your sister with her demon powers. I know you felt guilty after her being kept prisoner in Limbo, thinking that it was somehow your fault, but I always wondered if there was a bit of fear and disgust mixed in. Having an innocent seven year old that worshiped you changing into a fourteen year old who thought for herself, still loved you but a bit coldly because of her fear she'd become a demoness again and such, and who could damn you and your friends to a living Hell in Limbo...I guess that would make anyone a bit weary of their younger sister. At the time I thought you were just acting cowardly and should suck it up and just accept Illyana and get to know the new her. But, some people can't do that very easily.
You always did have your faults, but I never thought supreme cowardice among them. But I guess I was wrong. I never knew you to run from anything, but it seems that you ran from something you couldn't easily escape. You tried to escape your life, and more importantly you tried to escape your heart.
First you chose another woman over me. And then, at Illyana's funeral when I thought, maybe, that the love and friendship I felt for you, whether it blossomed into something else or not, would help to heal you. I figured we could at least share our grief and the memories we had of her, but no. You ran into a shell of not giving a damn and you destroyed the most beautiful things you were, to this date, responsible for creating. Your paintings. The one thing you wanted to do most in the world, remember? The thing that you were trying to get into America to study about? The thing that you were going to make a living and move your family over from Russia doing? You almost destroyed the one of your own sister, but I stopped you, thank God.
And then, to my surprise, you continued to run when Magneto showed up. You ran up to Asteroid M, making me and all of the X-men feel betrayed that you'd go that far to show Xavier that he was wrong. It was like you were ten again and just slapping at someone who had dared to offend you or something and making them hurt and hopefully worse than you were. It ticked me off a bit, Piotr. You would go off and take care of Magneto but you barely visited me when I was in a tube fighting for my life and thinking that my powers were going to kill me. You even ran away from me then, thinking that you were going to lose me and not wanting to be around for it or something, like not having seen me in bad shape was going to somehow change things so that the way I died wasn't as bad as it actually would have been. Betsy, a telepath who actually was right there with me keeping my mind together and experiencing me dying, visited me more than you did. And if you had visited me you would have seen that I was okay with things. If I died that was alright because I knew that God would look out for me and that it was my time to go. I think it might have helped you to hang out with me a bit there, Piotr. It might have given you a bit of perspective on the dying. When you're dying slowly you know it. Even Illyana knew it, I could see it in her eyes. She just wanted to say goodbye to you and held on as long as she could to do just that. But instead of being grateful that she had loved you that much you took off and soiled her memory because she would have smacked you for running off with Magneto...that much I do know, especially the way he was at that point.
But, maybe I'm too harsh too. You were a gentle soul for the most part and could never handle negative emotions very well. And that's why when you saw me and Pete together you freaked and tried to kill him. Because you weren't used to jealousy or indecision with me. You just always thought I'd be there and loving you. You never thought I'd move onto another serious relationship. Man, in a lot of ways, you had a lot of growing up to do too and you were older than I was. We got past that hurdle, although I knew that you never quite acted as much like the old you as I would have liked. You didn't paint the realistic portraits anymore, you instead went with abstracts just trying to get your emotions down in swirls of color. It was like you were trying to sort out the chaos that was your life on canvas. And basically, when it was all done, there was a kind or order that looked like a big colored mess. That was as close as you could get.
And so, Meggan and Brian married and you returned to America where you thought that your life would return to the order that it had when you were last an X-men. And it didn't happen. And things got worse and you tried to run away, but one day you just woke up and realized that you couldn't run away from yourself anymore. And so you did the only thing you could think of to make it all stop.
I look around the room of my youth, the same room I ended up with later on, ironically enough, the boxes stacked in the corner ready to go. The memories of all of the times Piotr and I had been here and Illyana and I had been sitting on those beds and eating popcorn while watching "Magnum PI" and talking about what we wanted in our perfect mate play through my head. I'm glad I knew you Piotr and I'm sorry you felt you had to kill yourself.
That was a year ago and the pain is still there, but so is the pain of losing Illyana and I lost her a lot longer ago then that. You just have to wait for time to heal these things, my grandfather always said, and then you'll just have the memories and you can keep those people alive through those memories. My grandfather was always a very wise man.
"Are you ready to go, Pryde?"
The voice speaks softly from behind me and I turn with a small sad smile on my face, some unshed tears in my eyes. He sees them and comes quickly to stand in front of me, his hand reaching up to cup my face, the other throws his cigarette on the ground and stomps on it so he has both hands free, "What's wrong?"
It's hard to explain to him and I clear my throat and wrap my arms around him. I see Lockheed sleeping on the other bed across from where I had been sitting, and wondering off hand how long I'd been standing there bury my head under his chin, "You have to understand, Pete. I...I am happy we're going back to England. That you came and we got back together and everything, but at the same time...this place was my home and well...I've never actually left it willingly. It's always been due to injuries or explosions or something. It's never been me walking out the door to get married and move on from this. It's been my life for a good portion of years now."
Pete wraps his arms around me too and I sense the relief that I wasn't upset by something he'd done. He hugs me close and states simply, "Good, I was worried you were still crying over one of your friends taking their own life. It's hard to accept, I know, but you have to accept it. I figured you were over it, I just a moment of worry after all."
I smile a bit through my tears and say, "No, it wasn't that, though I know I've probably cried too much over it. I just can't see how things can get bad enough or you'd get desperate enough to kill yourself. I could always see Hank doing something stupid like that without thinking of the consequences because it was for the love of science, but I always thought Piotr was smarter than that. He cured a virus that we were on the verge of curing anyway. There really wasn't a point to it. No, what I was upset about was the change. Going over to England and leaving all of this lifestyle behind. The only adventuring I'll be doing will be with you now, and while I'm sure that'll never get boring, it still...it's a change from what I've known if that makes sense."
Pete kisses the top of my head, "Change is never easy you know no matter what form it comes in. Don't worry though, Kitty, I'll take good care of you and stand with you. I promise."
He needn't have told me that because I know what he says is true in every fiber of my being, I have the same feelings for him every time I breath. And as for the comment on change...I couldn't have agreed with him more. I finally step back, dry the few tears I have, and reaching down grab my duffle and my drowsy dragon. Lockheed climbs into the bag without complaint and I shoulder the strap. I look at Pete and grab his hand, "Let's go."
Pete's telling me about the changes he's made to his flat since the last time I'd been there and jokes about his father not coming to the wedding if he has anything to say about it, as I look back at the room and say softly, "Goodbye." I see images of past friends who have gone before me transposed on the background of the room. Doug stands next to Illyana and Piotr next to her. They are all smiling at me, pleasure in their eyes that I've found someone, a true friend to call my own forever. I know it is mirrored in the faces of the friends who are still with me as well and with a feeling of love and longing in my heart, I smile back at them. I then turn around and wrapping my arm around Pete's waist walk toward my future, determined to keep those I had loved in my past alive for a long, long, time.
"So, Pete, have I ever told you about the time that Illyana and I got mad at Professor Xavier and filled up his toilet full of popcorn? You've got to hear this. He'd nailed us unfairly, I have to say, on an exam and we..."
Fin